What Do We Know?

Our Thoughts Are Our Subjective Interpretations of Our Reality

but We Did Not Knowingly Choose Our Thoughts

I've been thinking about this lately and discovering that, when it all comes down to it, what we know is actually only what we think we know.

We have so many opinions, so many certainties, so many judgements, and yet, most of us are simply doing the best we can with what we've been given and what we've been shown by our parents and society.

The Experience of Being a Parent

Let's take parenting.  Those of us who have children act out of what we think is instinct, or what "anyone would do" in any given situation, but most of us do not ever give a conscious thought to what it means to be a parent.  We approach it from the place of, "I am going to tell my child how it is and what to do" rather than, "What does my child need to receive from me in order to develop the ability to create a meaningful and successful life?"  I am certainly guilty of having done (of doing!) this.  It is not easy to even recognize that we do it, much less stop doing it or find a way to do something better. Of course, I want to help my children become successful adults but that doesn't mean I am accomplishing that desire. Someone my son knows has taken it upon himself (he and his girlfriend have taken it upon themselves), to help my son develop and grow as a young man.  Sometimes, we need the help of other people to accomplish what we wish for our children.

The Experience of Being in a Relationship

We also behave in automatic ways in relationships with another person.  I am not talking about friendship here or family relationships, although we certainly all have reactions and behaviors that we do not investigate very much at all in these realms.  No; I am talking about romantic, intimate relationships.  Few of us even entertain this concept, this switching of paradigms.  Yet, there is a depth of excitement available to those brave enough--not too jaded--to inquire within.  This is true whether we have just met someone, known them for a few months, or have been married for decades.  We are no doubt engaging in behaviors and thoughts that seem the only way to be/think. It is only when we stop and objectively assess this assumption that the walls fall down for good and there are no more doors, except to further discovery.  Dimensions open to us that we had hitherto not even imagined, much less noticed. 

We all behave in ways that "come naturally" to us.  This means we do not consider our behaviors at all; we just do them.  We do not think in terms of what we truly, at the deepest level, want from a relationship.  We just behave in ways that we are habituated to practice, irrespective of how unsuccessful they may be.  We do not recognize that they are unsuccessful.  We only recognize that we are not getting the results we say we want to get.  And then, for most people, this translates into dissatisfaction and the "certainty" (tongue in cheek) that this person is not the one.

We forgot about how it felt to be full of wonder and be open.

We also think in ways that we are used to thinking.  This means we don't stop to ask ourselves if we are mistaken in our interpretation(s) of our experiences.  We don't ask if maybe there is another--perhaps more productive--position from which to approach the issue.  We are so habituated in just believing whatever thought arises that to even imagine questioning our thoughts seems ludicrous initially.  However, I find that when I am willing to suspend my interpretations of events (of reality--such a subjective experience that is!), then I am suddenly opened to the concept of wonder.

Wonder is the ability to think like a child.  It does not mean to be childish, but to be childlike: open, curious, real, without guile or agenda.

After enough pain and disappointment, we become cynical about love. 

With the ability to hold experiences without judgement, to just be in the moment and consider how you are feeling, we gain the ability to create that which we (to a person, really) say we want for but have given up believing can actually exist: Happiness in love.

My son's mentor, (the man I mentioned earlier) was telling me about the woman he loves and how surprised he was to find real love two years ago, how the relationship they are creating together is the happiest he has ever known.  He told me that he had given up believing that the possibility for this even existed, that what he had imagined as a teenager was actually finally true. 

Many of us get to a point where we meet that concept of happiness in love with cynicism or ridicule.  We have convinced ourselves that we do not need anyone.  Who can blame us?  Society teaches us that "needing" another person is weakness.  We do not make room for love after a certain age.  We think it was a naive dream of our youth.  We go through the motions of dating.  It's all too easy in this culture to become serial online daters.  It is a seductive venue, to be sure, always another option around the corner, another new thrill, a new flirtation, maybe he's the one, maybe she's the one, and then, moving on, moving right along.  We become accustomed to dehumanizing others and end up assessing other people as though they were inanimate objects.  Indeed, dating in our culture objectifies the person across from us.  On the other hand, I know others who have grown tired of this superficial pursuit and take a step back only to see that such a use of their free time has been insidiously changing them into someone they don't much like.  So they simply withdraw and create a life void of intimate connection. The dream is over.

Reminder: Love messes with our perfectly ordered universe. 

Beyond not needing anyone else, we end up not having room for anyone else, figuratively as well as literally.  Deep down, we all all afraid we will be taken advantage of or hurt.   The majority of us do not realize we have this fear, but when we take the time to check in, deeply, with ourselves, we may find that we have put up a wall we didn't even realize we'd erected.  Our hearts are on guard.  We make sure no one gets too close. It can be threatening to allow another person into our mind and heart and space.  If we have lived alone, without a partner, for a while, the reality may be that we have become so accustomed to being alone that the idea of ever living with another person is something we scorn. It is an insidious seduction, especially after a certain age when we have things just so and the way we like them to subsequently have no room for another person to disturb our order and creation.  We protect our solitary life as though it meets our innermost needs.

As an aside, I used to live in a big, quite lovely house, that I had decorated over a handful of years to reflect me, who I was, what I liked.  The decorators with whom I consulted all told me I had a definite style and had executed it without error.  I had done it all on my own, looking at magazine photos, reading about design, thinking about what I liked.  I did not want anyone to come in and mess up what I had created.  But I realized that having a house and things was not bringing any happiness at any level other than the surface and it felt like a ball and chain.  So I sold that house because the house was not my destiny.  I went from a nearly 4,000 square foot house beautifully decorated to just a small bedroom I can call my own.  I moved 1,000 miles away to start from scratch, really.  Even now, the majority of my possessions remain in storage in Michigan. It is quite a challenge to the ego to be without the accoutrements that said I was a woman of a particular stature!  I found out that when we strip ourselves of external cues, we are naked indeed in this culture; I have no doubt that I have been negatively judged by some.  There are times when I miss my house and remember how good it felt just to be inside it.  However, now I can recognize that I must be feeling particularly vulnerable about something in my life currently and it is coming out as a longing for that sense of security and identification.  The important thing here is that I am without regret at having made the decision to leave that behind.  It takes courage to be yourself without external cues that define you.

Vive la difference!

Have you yet come to understand that the differences between men and women are natural?   Men are not simply larger versions of women and women softer versions of men.  If a man has a masculine energy/essence, a woman with a feminine energy/essence cannot understand his perspective.  The world we live in, here in the United States, expects women to drive themselves from a masculine essence in the work world.  Most of us women are used to that now: we are good at being direct, at getting things done, at speaking clearly, at relating with men as peers.  And yet, in an intimate relationship, when both people act out of masculine energy, there won't be much joy.  Feminine energy does not mean submissive and servile.  It means receptive, open, balancing, inviting.  It is wise and patient and responsive.  Masculine energy is driving, aggressive, strong, leading.  Wisdom and achievement in the man are usually markedly improved by the influence of a good woman.  

Men do not think like women think.  Women do not think like men think.  And yet we have this paradigm for how we interpret life, and we do not realize that a partner may not be able (never mind willing) to view things from that perspective.  Men are supposed to be successful.  Every man knows there is a pecking order and testosterone drives it.  Yet, men who behave like men are made fun of in our culture.  Men are portrayed on TV as idiots.  Men are bombarded by articles that encourage them to "get in touch with their feminine side."  Men are supposed to communicate the way we women do.  Speaking as one woman, I do not want who regularly taps into his feminine side; I want a man in touch with his human side, from the perspective of a man.

It is confusing to be a woman in culture that tells us that we are supposed to be tough, do it all, compete in a man's world, make as much as any man--but not pursue.  This is also a double standard.  It is confusing, to say the least.  The bottom line here is this:  We simply do not know how to act in order to meet the other person without ruining the chances for love to develop.  To quote Rumi: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” I confess, I am at a loss to know how to "do" a relationship with a man.  Here's an irony: I was thinking last night of a time my father told my ex-husband that I "never learned how to relate with a man."  You know why it's ironic? Because some years later, I now see that my father was right!  The way I will learn--if that is to be--how to relate with a man is through relating with a man who has the wherewithal to help me, and who has the interest in learning how to relate with me, a woman.

Opposites Attract (but there must be harmony in the polarity)

We all have tastes that we do not understand but which we cannot change.  Some men like curves, others like thin women.  Some women like a man with a full chest of hair, other women prefer a smooth chest.  (Having said that we all have tastes, I also recognize that society plays a role in influencing our desires.  That's a completely separate topic in and of itself.)  Nevertheless, in spite of what attracts us, we need more than physical attributes to want to develop a relationship.

Polarity is good for relationships; sexual polarity is the best foundation for ongoing satisfaction in that realm.  When a man comes to understand the absolute power he can have in a woman's life, he then gets to choose whether he will use that power for her good, their mutual good, or his own selfish pleasure.  He can say all manner of sweet things to get her into bed, and then never call her again.  That man has forsaken integrity in favor of the lowest common denominator of a man's poor treatment of women.  When a woman understands that she has what a man really needs, she can give it willingly or grudgingly.  She can say she respects him, but then make fun of something he was proud of having done.  That is not the way of woman who really loves a man acts when she learns how much it hurts him. 

It takes courage and humility to behave with honor. And we are afraid to let another person in so we are sarcastic and cutting.  We are afraid of being rejected, all the while our culture teaches us to not care and to "dump" the other person when things aren't easy anymore.  When did we become so cruel?  Neither sex knows how to communicate the right way with the other.   No wonder we become cynical and closed off.

We also sabotage the potential for love to grow.  Usually, we do this unwittingly.  On the surface, our responses seem to us to be totally logical, as if, "What else would you expect me to do/feel?"  Yet, if we are willing to take a closer look at our historical behavior and its outcomes, we may find that what we say we want, and what we keep creating, are out of sync.  So how do we discover if we have a problem that is a form of self sabotage?  Maybe we ask our closest friends.  On the other hand, how does anyone else know how we behave in an intimate relationship?  We can have the most open relationship with friends, and if they love us and want the best for us, of course they cannot believe that a relationship problem would ever be caused by our behavior. 

Who I am as a friend is not who I am as a lover because in friendship, the stakes are not as high.  When the stakes are higher, we have a lot more fear and friction inside and we don't even realize it.  We make decisions to run--and think nothing of it.  We have buried our fear and longing so deeply that we cannot imagine any other course than to flee.  Or we make decisions to pursue (a woman after a man) because we are in such a state of agitation not knowing where we stand or if we have a chance.  And here, just with that phrase alone--"have a chance"--we are somehow reducing our value to the other as though, if he (or she) deigns to respond favorably to us, how happy we will be, failing to recognize that we are worthy of being responded to favorably and desired and respected and loved.  The Chinese sage, Tranxhu, wrote: "When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power."  Once again, our fear drives us and we lose the freedom to just simply be.

The Immeasurable Joy of Love

I would be remiss to leave out the possibility of joy in all this writing that has focused on how different we are, and how elusive love has become.  Joy? Yes, joy!  Is there anything better in life than love?  Is there anything more wondrous, more motivating, more fulfilling than love?  Stop for a moment and imagine a happy, sexy, fun, caring relationship with someone.  Just imagining that makes most of us grin in delight--unless we have become so inured by disappointment that we reject such purity of emotion as a farce and sarcastically cut it down as a fantasy.

In reality, the absolute joy of loving and being loved is unsurpassable.  By revealing yourself to another and making it safe for the other to reveal herself (or himself) to you, we come to know ourselves and develop who we are.  There are different paths for this self-discovery: some give themselves to a religion or god and thereby discover things about themselves through the relationship with that experience.  However, I would argue that while spiritual connection and grounding is an aspect of life that adds to our ultimate experience, I would be hesitant to take that over a committed, intimate connection with a lover.  Having said that, this does not mean that just anyone will do as long as he, too, is committed to self-discovery.  Nor does it mean that, just because I consider myself ready for all this, that every man will find himself drawn to me.  It just doesn't work that way.  Love is far more secretive in its ways than we know. 

Our Standards and Taking Time to Get to Know Someone

Maintaining standards does not mean we should expect perfection.  Nobody is perfect (although we may say that he or she is perfect for us).  The imperfections of our beloved can either be accepted or attacked; cherished or criticized.  Sometimes we love not in spite of someone's imperfections, say his or her tendency to leave rolled-up socks on the floor, but because of it--we see the utter humanness in the other and are glad that we keep getting grounded in the messiness of being human.  It is a sign of maturity and expansiveness when we can rejoice that we are all just traveling along on this orb in space and none of us knows what any of it means and yet, here, look, socks, dust, and a smile of gratitude.

I expect to receive that of which I am worthy, and accepting being treated like I am just any other woman (that is to say, a placeholder rather than this particular person, Yours Truly) is a sure sign that I do not believe I am worth more--no matter how much I may beg to differ. The man who is worthy of me will want to earn me.  To him, I will not be replaceable.   But this may not be clear at the start.  To expect immediate love is adolescent and jumping the gun.  It takes time to find out if we are willing to go a little deeper, no matter how much it all seemed perfect at the start.

Not only will I not be interchangeable to a man, neither will he be, for me, just any other man.  For there to be true intimacy, he needs to know that I choose him over all others.  There is a ring I think about--a poesy ring inscribed with these old words: vous et nul autre.  You and no other. 

I will be the woman and he will be the man.  Of course, this takes time to be true, even if there is immediate connection.  Immediate connection is good, but it's healthy to slow down and relish the discovery. 

Many of us can remember having made the jump from meeting someone to "being in love" immediately. All too quickly, the chase was over, the flirtation was done.  And then there is an underlying ick factor going on.  It's just too much too soon.  System overload.  It seems suddenly you are finding things out about this person without really knowing this person and it's way too much way too soon.  This is solvable but we have to be aware of our desire to flee.  It is healthy to take a big step back, take the pressure off, release expectations, delete assumptions, and take time to get to know and get to trust the other person. 

Trust is paramount and takes time and a willingness to be known.  

It is counterproductive to jump into intimacy too soon.  This includes having sexual intercourse before the time is right.  Wooing and winning are such fun!  There is a giddy thrill that comes from the give and take, the approaching, the pulling back, the getting used to, the little discoveries over time that build trust and respect.   It takes time and patience to get to know someone.  It takes time for a man to know if he actually likes this woman who smiled at him.  It takes time to know if he actually desires this woman who said yes to a date.  It takes time know if he respects this woman whose naked body lay beneath his own.  Nearly every man will say whatever he thinks will get a woman into bed with him and most of us women are far too easily swayed because we so long to be adored. 

It also takes time for a woman to know if she really wants a particular man.   She may find him attractive, enjoy his flirtations, but at her deepest level, she may recognize danger signs that she is ignoring.  Women want to connect with a truly good man, and a good man should also expect to receive that of which he is worthy.  A good man deserves a woman who can meet his needs without losing herself. True connection between one man and one woman is more possible--and yet more rare--than anyone would have us believe.  It is a matter of being open to possibilities but also open to our gut truth.   And yet, we are all so out of touch with our issues and habits (self sabotage, running away, coming on too strong, pursuing) that we just keep repeating patterns and not getting anywhere different.  We think that if we only had the right person, it would all simply fall into place without effort.  Where'd we come up with that?  

We all have had the experience when we are out in public and look around and see all these couples.  Why do they have love, we ask ourselves, and here I sit, alone?  We could be thinking, "I'm attractive, healthy, available, trustworthy (add your own traits to the list)--why hasn't anyone come along for me?"  How do you feel when you see your friends who are married?  Do they tell you that you just have to be patient?  That all the women you have met and dated are "crazy" because they have not known how to behave?  Do your friends tell you that the men you've dated are just players and jerks?  It is easy for those in a relationship to give advice to those of us who are alone, but if we stop and think about it, we will probably discover they do not have the answer for us.  Many men just give up hoping to find "the one" at this point.  They become serial daters and they do become players, even though they do not realize this is who they have become.  Women may become spinsters or resign themselves to other carnal pleasures, because they have given up on the tenderness of love.

There's no accounting for taste. 

Still, standards are tempered by taste, and there is no accounting for taste.  The levels of attraction that we can have for another person range from the physical (both men and women typically care about looks -- at least initially) to the emotional (unfamiliar territory for many men), to the mental/intellectual (can we communicate and excite each other?) and the spiritual (is our lovemaking more than just physical release?). If the sexual chemistry is missing for one or the other, it won't matter how good the rest is--unless, that is, you aren't interested in the sexual dimension of being human.  In that case, I don't know what to say except that you forfeit the glory of ecstasy without even knowing it.  If the sexual chemistry is there but there is no respect, a sure death awaits.  If respect is there, but you don't have fun together, what's the point? Trying harder in all these realms usually does not yield results. These things are either there or they are not there.  Most of us can tell in a relatively short time if we consider someone a potential mate.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”  ~ Rumi

To find it all -- to have the standards met -- is rare.  Did I say rare?  At the risk of being crazy redundant, it's extremely rare.  Love must be a matter of synchronicity and serendipity.  I don't have anything more than that to explain why it can occur.

What might we believe about life and love if we re-entered the dimension of wonder?  I may dare to believe that it will happen for me.  You may dare to believe that it will happen for you.  Not necessarily when you least expect it (that seems a manipulative tool to me--as if you are supposed to be walking around saying you no longer care about love and then, oh, look, voilà: Love!) -- but when you are ready to give yourself and open yourself to receiving the enigmatic other: this complex stranger (really!) whom you desire and finally recognize as truly yours and yours alone.

Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, 

the last of life, for which the first was made. 

~ Robert Browning